FUCKING ASS!!!! I typed my entry and accdently deleted it! I'm so fucking pissed, and so agitated, depressed, upset... anything and everything bad that one can think of, that's me.

-sigh- Here I go to re-write it to the best of my ability.

Yesterday, Sean and I went to Cole and Starla's house. It was fun, but we got into a few tiffs. Like, for instance, Sean said that if a cat ever bit him... he made the motion as though he were punching the cats head in a few times really hard. Naturally, me being the overly sensitive animal loving person that I am, and the mother to Anukis, go offended, and told him how to handle it if Anukis ever bit him. He said that he'd hit her. So I got pissed, and told him that if he hit my cat, I would hit him in the face and I wouldn't be shy about using my strength.

Perhaps I was a little rude, but what can you expect. He had pissed me off. No one hit's my cat. Starla and I then got a bit fucked up... I was down for a while after that, but then decided to try to explain to Sean in a more adult manner my feelings on hitting cats... especially my cat. So I used the analogy, that if we had a kid, and our child bit him, he would not punch our child. He then put in that he'd spank our kid.

I don't believe in spanking, and always grew up with the notion that my children will not be spanked. So we cut that argument off before it even started.

Now this isn't the least of my problems. On the way home today, Sean and Cole were talking in the car. Sean was a bit upset that Ryan hadn't called him when he came back from TDY. I asked if this was the same Ryan that was a male whore, and they said yes. They kept talking, and something came up that I would like Ryan(yeah right, not if he uses girls like he does), until he starts drinking. Then Ryan apparently gets rude. And Sean gave me this example of when Ryan was being a bitch to him, and so he'd cock-block, to piss Ryan off.

Cock-block? What an immature term. And what an immature action as well! I was so pissed off. As they tried to explain to me what exactly it was, I got even more pissed. What is cock-blocking? As they explained it, it's when one guy shows extreme amounts of interest in a girl that shows intrest in another guy, to get her to come off that other guy and get onto you.

So, we get into the hot sticky dorm, and me being agitated, sit here on the computer doing absolutly nothing, just wanting to escape from reality, but being so angry that I can't. It also didn't help that Sean pulled out his penis and started waving it around and then poking me with it.

I tried to cool down, I tried to think things though, but couldn't... I then tried to explain my frustrations to Sean, and we ended up bickering again. So I just decided to go take a shower.

I sit here now, with my arm warmers covering up my self-mutilation. I needed it desperatly though. The sting when the razor hit my flesh, it was great... the sight of my crimson blood streaming down my arms and splashing on the shower floor was exhilarating. The irony-coppery taste of warm blood was invigorating.

And now Sean is asleep, and I'm writing in my journal. I need to explore my feelings, but I know that when I try it'll be very messed up, and helter-skelter. Everything will be a mess, and you won't know where to begin reading. But I should at least try. Sean cant ever understand me, but my journal, an inatimate object can. That's sad.

I feel so trapped... I'm getting cold feet worse than in the previous entry.

I had thought higher of Sean. I had thought he was a deep, intuitive, intelligent person. What I find out in little bits and pieces every now and again prooves to be otherwise. I'm scared to learn anything else about him, because I know that it'll be something sick and perverted and wrong(like cock blocking, or the fact that he recieved head at a party from the primer slut of the town we live in, after she fucked two of his friends, or about how at parties at Esh's he'd start making out with some girl he didn't even know, that his friends were trying to get on, and about how he would have had sex with her if she didn't go for one of his other friends).

People like that revolt me. Yet if I am to marry this man... no, boy(I only say boy because of the immaturness sexually)... I need to know everything. I don't want to be married and then find out that he's slept with 60 girls, not 4, or that he's recieved head from 3 girls in one night, or that he's let 80 girls suck his cock, or that he's eaten out 30 girls, or that... the list can go on and on.

I'm upset... I always thought I'd be with someone a little more mature in the sexual department. Not someone who'd get something from anything thin with two legs that can spread far enough, or a nice wet mouth.

And this makes me feel insecure about myself... And it makes me wonder if I'm just being used. I mean, what else am I good for other than sex... if that's all he has on his mind(or so it seems), and that's all I seem to be good for to him.

Of course, I could have this all wrong... I could be blowing this out of porpotion, and I could just misunderstand him...

At this point, I don't know if I want to get married(well, I do...)... I'm scared, and nothing he says or does helps with my fear, my stress, or my parinoia.

I love Sean... I really do... but I don't know what to think of him anymore. I don't know what to feel other than hurt. And I'm revolted by myself for feeling this way. I can't help but think that' I'm over-reacting, and that no 'normal' person would fell the way I do.

Sometimes, I just want to put a bullet through my head so I don't have to deal with the stresses of every day life. Sometimes I just don't want to deal with life anymore. And I don't... I can't get a gun though. The only thing that I have access to is a bottle of Excedrin PM... I just don't want to deal with it anymore.

I want to go slice up my other arm now. I had thought writing my feelings would sort of help, but it hasn't. It's sad... it's been so long since I've had this kind of stuff run through my mind. When I say 'this kind of stuff' I mean harmful thoughts. All I can think of is escape in one form or another, wether it be a temporary sting, or permenant.

Flashes...

rope around the neck, lack of oxygen

deeper, more bloody arm cuts

massive amounts of pills, flushed down with febreeze and other cleaners

jumping from a high window, landing on my head, neck snapping, instant death

Possibilities here are much more limited than before though. Maybe since they are so limited I won't have to debate for as long on which would be best... but I'm always the indecisive one... leave me two of the options and I'll still take forever in deciding.

I know some people are reading this, thinking I'm fucked up... that I'm trying to commit suicide with razor cuts on my wrist. I'm not. I know many people just don't understand.

Plain and simple...I want my physical body to hurt more than the way I do inside... that way I'll focus on the physical pain instead of the mental pain. I'm punishing myself with physical harm for the way that I am... because as far as I'm concerned, I'm fucked up.

Oh silver blade so sharp hear my merciful cries
Take this pain away and give me your pleasure
With your sinful caress
You cut open the escape for my worries
to flow out and slowly down my arm 'til I press it to my lips
And the crimson hatred burns my throat in ecstasy
And so through the art of cut I feel I am fine again
Until I come back to myself
And once again plunge into my darkness.

I'm smoking now(yes, I know I said I'd quit), and wonder what it'd feel like to put it out in my flesh... would it be the same kind of pain as a razor? I dont think so... but I think it would be exhilerating none-the-less...