The One About Borderline Personality Disorder
borderline
Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
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Well... it looks like I'm borderline... of course, I didn't need a quiz to tell me this... I already knew it. Though I generally dislike how they seem to make BPD funny... a mere joke in this quiz. It's not 'as simple as black and white'. I do feel extreme highs, and extreme lows in the mood spectrum... and the lows tend to make me so angry or depressed that I do mutilate myself. Of course, I don't think I need psychological help. I hate therapists, and I don't like to open up.
But as I stated before... BPD is serious. And often misunderstood. I think the author of this quiz didn't really take these types of illnesses seriously, and didn't know a whole lot about them. BPD can lead to suffering for both the BP and those whose lives they affect (non-BPs, or simply "nons.") BPD is linked to high conflict; divorce; suicide; substance abuse; child abuse; physical, sexual, and emotional abuse; eating disorders; estrangement from family members; and much more. More than six million people in the USA have a BPD disorder, and these people greatly affect the lives of at least 30 million others. So it's not as simple as black and white. Nothing is as simple as black and white!
I'd honestly like to hope that my problem does not effect others. And this is the very reason that I keep it to myself. High highs and low lows remain bottled up inside of me for as long as I can hold it. When it gets to be too much to bear, I just harm myself. It feels really good.
In my research on BPD I read "Think about something that is very, very difficult for you to do. Lose 25 pounds. Change careers. Overcome poor self esteem. Think about how hard this has been for you to do, even though you may want to do it very much. Now… imagine that you didn't want these things. What are the chances that you would lose the weight, get a new job, and buy a book on self-esteem? Pretty low. Recovery from BPD is a hard thing to do. For the borderline (BP) it may involve facing horrible childhood abuse or deep-rooted feelings of shame. People with BPD feel stigmatized. The only way through it is to want it very very badly. You cannot make someone want this, any more than someone can make you want to change yourself. It has to come from within."
This is completly true. Yet if I really wanted to cure it... how would I do this in my own privacy? Or at least, how can I attempt it? The same source said "Stop taking the borderline's actions personally. Rage, screaming, verbal abuse, self-mutilation, blame, criticism, and all the other things that make life difficult are not about you at all. It's part of the BPD. Second, do some good things for yourself and your body. Have some fun. Take a walk. Stop drinking or abusing drugs, if you are. Third, join the non-BP list. Fourth, learn all you can about BPD."
Believe it or not, I have tried this, and failed miserably. At the moment, it did make me feel good... but I guess I just didn't want to try... and I didn't believe in myself. Everything in my opinion was/is my fault. Everything wrong with me, everything that happens to me that's horrible...
It's NOT as simple as black and white!!!
And if I were to work on getting rid of this disorder, it would merely be replaced by another, I'm sure. That of obsessive compulsiveness. I've suffered from it in the past with Trichotillomania. In the fifth and sixth grade stress and anxiety caused me to pull my own hair out piece by piece at a time. Even now, I like to pull my hair out. I like the temporary small amount of pain. I like the suprise to see if the white root comes out with it. I love it when my hair is disrooted. I love to then pull the root from my hair...
Yet... I worked very hard, to stop from pulling. However, I had a small bald spot for a very very long time. So this leads me to believe, that if I were to work really hard on getting rid of borderline, that I would fall into obsessibe compulsiveness again. I might not necessarily pull my hair out... but I think I would become obsessed with other things... perhaps cleaning, perhaps cooking(though I'm horrible)... who knows. Which is worse though?
[/It's (not) as .simple. as black and white]
Plagued - Purged
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