In one month I will be married.

I'm getting cold feet. Yes, I love him. Yes, I was sure. But now I'm just scared.

I keep getting the feeling that I just want to bolt. Yet, then I stop to think. That would bewilder and possibly hurt Sean, and I don't want to do that. Also, if I were to dash, it could also be the biggest mistake of my life.

.|Ah, but there are so many|.

What gives me these jitters? Why do I feel trapped? What can I do to overcome this? Why have there got to be so many question to answer to solve this one little, yet complex problem?

I didn't have a problem trying to commit to Sid for the rest of my life. In fact, I was the one to propose after two and a half years. We had a miserable break-up after three years. One I still feel fathomless resentment for.

Perhaps I fear that somehow Sean and I will end up like that. I have no reason to have concern. Sean, though he's wierd, is much more mature than Sid.

And he is wierd...

Sometimes I wonder. Other times I laugh. And sometimes I feel that he's a bit overboard.

He can be an asshole. But aren't all men? And he says he's joking. I know it's all in fun, I know it's all in joke. But there's only so much one can take.

But can I spend the rest of my life with a wisecracker?

And can I spend the rest of my life wondering if that was a joke, or if he meant it, but he knew of no other way to get it out other than in a joking manner?

And he's not the only problem. I am as well. I'm always a problem in any relationship. I get hurt too easily. I make him feel wrong for stupid male things. I am a dejected nag.

Perhaps I shouldn't be so crule to myself. I mean, is it so wrong to be upset when he looks at naked female in front of you? Is it normal to feel not as important, or perhaps even replaced. Is it reasonable to feel not as beautiful compared to the other females he's looking at. It is right-minded to be self-conscious about yourself, and then feel some small amount of resentment twords him?

Perhaps I'm just annoyed by his simplicity. Perhaps I hate how his mind is always 'in the gutter' as some would call it. I'm a sexual person, but even I am not like that for over half of my waking hours.

In looking up wall papers for the computer, one of the first things he tried to look up was the word 'nude'. Now I have no problem with that... I like artistic nudity. And there was one, but he didn't like it because it didn't show breasts or anything else.

I swear, every other thing he says has something to do with sex or some kind of sexual inuendo. Even if he tried, I doubt he could go for one full day without making some sort of a comment, or without pulling his phallus out to play with it, or without grabbing my breast or butt.

I'm a nympho by nature, but when he's constantly on the subject, it pushes me further from it. "I thought you were a nymphomaniac" were his exact words one day. I just sat there and let him think I was just making it up, that I really wasn't.

An analogy... I LOVE grilled cheese sandwiches. I'm a grilled-cheese-sandwich-maniac. I could easily eat 12 sandwiches a week. But if my cook talks about grilled cheese sandwiches constantly, and has one out on a plate for me to see often, I'm going to slow down on eating them. I'm going to want to distance myself from them so that I keep my healthy constant craving of 12 a week.

This is just Sean though... I should just accept that this is the way he is.

However, this is just the way I am. And he should accept that.

Is that a sign that it wasn't meant to be?

I think we just need to find a common middle ground and compromise.

I'm not used to these problems!!

There really is no escape, even if I wanted to. I put myself in this position... 200 miles away from my family, with no car. If I honestly wanted to escape, there's always suicide, and there's always hitchiking.

My god!

I'm making it seem like I'm in a horrible relationship, but really, I'm not. Sean loves me, and he really cares about me. And I do love him, I'm just getting a little freaked out about a few little things.

That's all they are, is little things. Perhaps I'm wrong for freaking out about them.

Am I wrong?