I feel better and better as the days go by...

I’m still longing for that which I can’t have. I still wonder what she feels and thinks. This still hurts me.

But it all seems less formidable now. Or perhaps I'm still weary from the pills.

Doing small every day tasks has always been an accomplishment for me when in a state of abjection. Especially when I do small tasks for myself.

I'm always a giver, and in states of desolation it's always easier to do things for other people. I got out of bed for Sean. I cleaned for him while he was at work. I ate for him so he wouldn't worry. None of this would I do for myself. In my mind, I'm not worth it.

Yet, a sure sign that I'm doing a bit better, I showered. It was no pampering, mind you, I wouldn't be that nice to myself after being so crule to Anukis. But I did wash my hair, and my body.

The feel of water trickling in little cascades down my skin always comforted me. It's true... water is the element of emotion. My tears flowed freely down my face for the last time.

I was able to pull myself together lastnight and pray to everything holy in every pantheon and every faith that my Anuk would understand that I would have kept her if I could. That she knew I still loved her. And that she would find a good loving home that would take excellent care of her.

I understand that I will never know what happened to her. But I'm not going to dwell on the miserable things anymore. As far as I know, someone could have purchased her the very next day... someone like me, who could give her the same love that I could. Someone who kept her name, who doesn't force affection on her, who doesn't harm her.

Yet still, in vain, part of me clings to the hope that someone was kind enough to surprise me with her. Sadly, I will be let down. Hopefully my heart will be mended to near perfection before that time comes so I can better handle it.