That which rips at a young girls innocence is what makes her a woman. The things that she does not or will not speak of shape her. Mold her. Make her who she is. And all those things plague her as she tries to sleep. The things that the waking hours allow her to ignore. And here, she finds a place to purge it all...

I'm starting a new journal. I deleted everything from my old journal. Why? Because I'm sick of everyone bashing me. I'm disgusted of hearing that I'm rushing into marriage too fast. I'm weary of being told that I'm an alcoholic and druggie. I'm tired of people telling me that I suck people in to pity me. I'm revolted by people who don't even know me judging me. They tell me that I need to give up who I was in the past and start working on a better future. Yet they don't see that I'm trying to do that. Instead they continue harrassing me for past mistakes, for things I didn't even do, or for things they think are stupid. They wont let me live anything down, and I'm just sick of it all together.

So, here I am... creating a new journal... sheding my past, trying to rid myself of all the horrors that tried to shred me down for reasons which I still cannot comprehend. -le sigh- I like diaryland better anyways. It's so much simpler to put journal entries in. With this new journal, I have taken on a new alias. Espher shall be what I am known by from now on. She is a new roleplaying character whom I seem to relate to a lot. She's loyal, self-controlled, calm, perceptive, and has a hypnotic personality. She's fearless, and extremely strong. She's quite intruiging, sensitive, caring, deep, and despite her tainted nature, her soul is breathtakingly beautiful. She's shy, self-critical, withdrawn, and in her own world of darkness often. She's cold and indifferent most of the time, or mostly pretending. She's impossible to get close to.

A deep sorrow sets in, as today Sean and I are going to Poky. Charlotte and Fluffy don't like my feline, Anukis, and they want me to take her from them. My mom doesn't really want to take care of her for the month I need a pet sitter either. And living on base with Sean won't allow me to have a cat for the next month. Sean was sweet enough to try to contact anyone that he knew to see if they could take care of my sweet little chere, but as unluck would have it, there is no one. I'll be travelling 200 miles, spending a little quality time with my baby, and then taking her to the animal shelter.

I'm going to miss her so very much. I love Anukis more than I love myself. She was my first cat... I've had her for two years. How can one love a mere animal more than they love themselves? It's quite simple really. I never loved myself. I've never enjoyed spending time with myself. Nor have I liked looking at myself, making myself happy, caring for myself... the simple joys that I had in my life were Anukis, and creativity. And now all I'll have left is creativity, something which I fear will be stripped from me too as time goes by and societal influences seep into my fragile mind.

Reminisce...

So... here we are... the beginning of a new journal, and the ending of a beautiful friendship. I would gladly give up my soul searching in journalling just to keep my Anuk. But perhaps I'm just being selfish and miserly... I sicken myself.