She's gone.

The thoughts go back and forth…between uncertainty, loss, indifference.

I don’t know what I want anymore, other than knowing I want Anuk...not that my wanting changes anything.

I keep feeling as though I've wronged her. I have abandoned my sweet chere.

Upon entering Fluffy and Charlotte's dwelling Anuk came running right up to me. It was the first time in a long while she ventured into their living room.

She let me pick her up, she rubbed her head against my chin, tickled my neck with her whiskers, sat on my chest as though I was her human... and I am.

No other animal owned me like Anuk did. Likewise, I owned no other like I did Anuk. It was a mutual understanding that we had of eachother.

Nobody understood me better than Anukis did. She was the only one who sat with me, worried about me from the other side of the door when I attempted suicide.

Nobody understands Anuk like I do. No other person will understand that she doesn't like to be held all the time. She doesn't like to be picked up when she's in a comfy spot, or when she's on a mission to get somewhere. No one will know that when she wants affection she'll ask for it by stretching up and rubbing her paws on your upper leg. No one will know that the only two toys she plays with are the plastic peices you rip from sealed milk, and a little purse I had made of rabbit fur.

It was so hard. I wouldn't be able to go through the pain again.

Just before leaving to take her to the Animal Shelter, Charlotte kept talking about the good things about her. That she was a very beautiful cat, and would easily find a home, etc etc.

I kept thinking,"Shut-up... don't make this harder for me."

In the car Anuk was hysterical... panicked... bewildered... confused... forlorn

Sean wanted me to hand him a cigarette, but I told him,"No... not until you finish your mission." I acted as though it were a game. A game!

And now I feel even more miserable than I would have if I didn't pretend it was a game. I feel so wretched for acting as though Anuk was just some piece of excess baggage that we needed to get rid of.

But you must understand, I'm not the type of person to show emotions of 'weakness'. I didn't want Sean, nor Charlotte to see me weep. Yet when parked in front of the Animal Shelter, when it came down to the remaining seconds, I could not help but exploed in an emotional blob.

Trying to hide me being a sentimental fool, I turned away from Sean, smushing my face into the glass. Charlotte could see me weep, but I felt as though it was ok, because a few things were covering bits of my face. Better Charlotte than Sean.

And now... now she is gone.

I could not get up from bed all day, except for extremeties. The only extremety was using the bathroom. I have only eatten a bowl of cereal for the past 36 hours, and I don't really feel like eating just yet.

I keep wishing with an idel hope that when Sean and Charlotte were in there, they were able to work something out... something they aren't telling me. That perhaps they were able to board Anuk there until Sean and I marry and find residence together.

Or perhaps that the very next day my mother or my Aunt and Uncle went to the animal shelter and purchased Anukis back, to bless Sean and I with as a wedding present.

But all my wishing is in vain... as the world never work on mysterious ways for the better.

She is gone.